|
laisser_va
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Marla
Country: Canada
State: Alberta
Metro: Calgary
Birthday: 9/24/1982
Gender: Female
Interests: opera, song writing, philosophy, Gothic architecture, intellectual men...and smart humour.
Occupation: Artist...trapped in an ESL tea
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/16/2005
|
|
| So, it's been 8 months since I left Korea to face the real world. Since being home, I've started a established a network of voice students, advertised and arranged to open my own studio (business) in September, gotten a year lease on a BIG, beautiful house, which will serve as home and studio and SW, Calgary and found an incredible man to spend my time with. The truth is, that my aunt really did most of the work on the advertising and me cousin did all ofthe work on the website, ( www.marlatorgerson.com ) but even so, it feels as if it's all come together at the same moment. Though things are falling into place and should be at peace and breathing deep cleansing breaths, I'm not. I suppose, I will be once the lessons are started, I have the 'perfect' roommates...:( and a routine is established, but seeing past the fog of obscure details is tiring. I can't seem to see the amazing blessings that are right in front of my face. I wake up looking out my bedroom window at the mountains and am happy, yet there seems to be a glass ceiling on the 'happiness', something stopping me from truly drinking in each moment, each blessing like I once did. Puzzling. I just read my final entry from before leaving Korea. It's amazing how far I've come. And, even though the past has attempted to follow me and stir up that which is best forgotten, I've moved forward. I've found a sense of stability. I've found EXACTLY what I said that I was seeking in that entry, yet can't seem to truly find myself completely IN the moment. I can't seem to see the good purely, and be completely greatful, I can't seem to enjoy where I am and what God has given thus far, but only see what is potentially next, perfect, better. Like, right now I have just climbed into my bed, and the rain is trickling down on the wooden shingles, and all that I can think about is roommates, and getting four more students, and an over-all perfect culmination for September. How can I calm my mind and simply enjoy that which is beautiful all around me? Thoughts? | | |
| So, I am preparing to move back to Canada after three and half years in Asia and I am scared to death. I am partially excited, but the unknown is not something that I generally enjoy. In Korea, charisma and blond hair have carried me a long way and I have gotten a lot of attention and had some intense relationships, with my friends and boyfriends, that have taught me volumes. (well... hopefully) I'm leaving confused and sporadically broken hearted as a love is left behind and he prematurely extradites himself emotionally from me and 'us' to save his own heart, even at the total negation of mine. I will survive this, but I can't help but feel completely alone in it. The only common thing between these lives, the only constant, is me. I mean, I have my relationship with God as a balancing force, but it seems naive to expect other people (especially men) to come through on their promises of steadfast care. I'm sure that this is partially scar tissue from being told to trust and let go, only to find the foundation is fluid and the 'beloved' is essentially, in flux between careful, attentive love and neglectful, non-negotiable selfishness. It is surreal to imagine that I will likely never see most of these people again and that Korea may soon be a dream-like memory for me. I am leaving behind a battle ground where I have loved, hated, and found myself, yet I leave with the feeling that I may have hours of therapy ahead of me to detox from the koolaid I've been drinking here as my bread and butter, which has allowed me to survive, but also made me thirst for what is sustaining. This time is lovely, subjective and painful. There is no option but to run out the clock with my eyes and heart open to the people and places that I have grown to love here and hope that the next chapter allows more lateral growth and therein, stability. | | |
| So, these days I am beginning to feel as if I'm losing myself in the attempt to calm the waters in my relationship. I feel as if it's impossible to say what I need to say, to be angry like I need to be angry, because if the waves are too great, the boat will capsize and, not only the relationship will be lost, but my control, my dignity and all that has been invested thus far. I hate that I am losing sight of the essential beauty within myself to appease. I hate that I am sacrificing my internal balance to overcompensate for another's lack there of. I hate that I am consumed with making things 'right', when I am the one who has been wronged. What is the solution? | | |
| Okay, so I am a frequenter of the night clubs here in Korea and I LOVE to get in my cardio by dancing to hip hop and RnB. This evening, I've been watching an old episode of SNL with Steve Carell and Usher. As Usher is performing, I can't help but think that he is a total douchebag. The lyrics to the song he is singing read:"We ain't having sex, we're making moments that'll outlast the world." I would wager that the only thing that will truly 'last' will be the burning sensation. I was thinking to myself, "what would I think if a guy walked up to me and pulled that crap?" I mean, imagine; you are standing in a club and I guy, even a good looking guy, walks up to you and says 'I wanna make love in this club!' , or 'let me by you a DRANK, I got money in the bank, we in the bed like ooh...ooh...oh...' barf! Wouldn't you run in the opposite direction? I mean, 'making love' in a club is like a written invitation for Hepatitis isn't it? Yuck! There are SO many hip-hop artists who, if they walked up to a woman and spoke the lyrics that have made them famous, would get killed. (choose any T-pain song) I mean, if you saw one of these guys in a club, most of them are not stunners and so, you wouldn't give them a second look, yet, ironically, they write these ridiculous lyrics (that are attached to GREAT beats and sometimes melody) and women swoon and even sing along. I am as guilty as the next girl of singing along to some of the most grotesque, demeaning lyrics just because the song itself is really amazing to dance to. ('to the windowwwww...to the wall....' I rest my case) I feel like these guys are on blast, telling us exactly who they are and yet because they're `catchy, fun and famous we don't actually hear what they are saying and allow them to reduce a woman to a body and life in general to the pursuit of money, cars, jewelry, ass, booze Oh! and wearing sunglasses indoors. It all seems so 2 dimensional and, well, gross. YET, I love to dance to it... crap! Thoughts? | | |
| I'm reading a book right now wherein the main character says that she feels like two women, a wife and a prostitute. This got me to thinking that this may well be the case for all women. I know that I have a longing for stability, respect, honesty, nesting and security, and yet there resides a voice within my head (which I do not readily admit to) that thrives on the transience, anonymity, oversimplification, editing and ignorance of being wanted for that which is purely physical, and finite and censoring that which is more and may be deemed socially threatening. One could probably put this into spiritual terms about one voice being the voice of the Divine and one that of the ego, or 'flesh', but I wonder if both are not necessary for the continuation of the ebb and flow of the feminine and, if a woman is out of balance within these two realities, she wouldn't give herself over to one or the other. The odd thing is, that both of these roles are a process of seeking personal freedom and relational control. It seems to me in these days, however, that true freedom within relationships can only be achieved through surrendering ownership of the 'beloved' and also releasing him from the obligation of 'making me happy', therein nullifying his power to 'make me sad', and on the whole from 'making me...anything at all'. Living within the knowledge that no one has the power, but rather that power, as an outside entity, is an illusion. That I may be two women, (or more, depending on my medication...) but that his reaction to whomever I am, is an entity outside of me, and therefore, NOT within my control, and so, NOT my problem or obligation. This is freedom. To be. Loved or not. Wanted or not. An object of desire or indifference. Simply, to step outside of the need for definition and be. | | |
|
|
